The problem with hostility is the dualism. It shakes the giver and the receiver. In this time of quality time with our families, it is so obvious that hostility has replaced sarcasm in my life. No longer is a roll of the eye or a flippant comment easily received or inadvertently sent.
I am realizing that no one believes what I say. Have I really disappointed, lied, decieved so many? I am like a lawyer who realizes suddenly that being a lawyer is shameful. I don't have the respect of those I love. And worse, I don't know how to get it.
I make fun of my successes so much so that I forget they exist.
I am overwhelming. I am completely overwhelmed.
I know now that parenting does just get harder. And harder. I am not in a place in my life that I can sit back and enjoy my children for being children. We are in charge of shaping their lives, will they respect others? Will they respect themselves? I am shocked when they learn new things. I know what proud feels like. I am afraid that I will teach them to be - hostile.
Baby boy, please know that I see your fear. I see your hope. I see you. I know where you are every second of every day. I know what scared you and what makes you laugh.
Baby girl, thank you for bringing the sweetness and the joy. You can find the good and you can stick with it. Don't ever let life take that out of you. Don't let the sadness take away your ability to find the joy in most everything.
I know.
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