and then some...

I turned 32. I have found that most people who have already done 32 say - oh you're just a baby. I assure you that I am not. Those that aren't quite 30 yet say - oh I'm 29, can you believe it, I feel so old.

I hate both.

I don't feel old. I feel like I am finally right inside my skin. Does that make any sense? Many times during my life I have been able to actually think to myself - this is not a big deal - this is not really you. This is not your real life, your real life is right around the corner. You have taken all the correct steps in a path to get there but when you get there it's like the Emerald City. It's where your head, heart and body are all in line. Crazy I know.

I have been lots of different people in this lifetime. There was a period when I was a therapist, I could really feel people, you know. I had this ability to get people talking, sharing their stories. I found out that a man who was in Vietnam shot another man for a six pack of beer. I remember his face when he told me, like it was all a dream. His hands were shaking a bit and his face was unshaven and his eyes were so sad.

Then there was the cocktail waitress life. I took it very seriously to make sure people got their drinks. In fact, a little too seriously, so that if they didn't pay me it was fine... they were in need.

You know when you have moments in your life when you know that one different decision would change your whole life? One minor decision, like whether to walk up 8th Avenue or Broadway, could change everything. I have a few of these moments in my head - when Time seemed to slow down for a moment and actually ask - you sure? you sure that's what you want to do? Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Don't say you didn't have a choice.